I May Always Be Your Little Boy

But you have to get over the fact that I am an adult now. I get to choose what I do and how I do it.

If you don’t want to accept that, go ahead, just be unreasonable and control my life completely.

Completely.

You Are The One

Maybe this would be like my only story in years that doesn’t have a whole set of profanity in it.

You know how childhood experience can affect how people behave when they grow up, right? Well, the same goes for me too. In all my life, I’ve been taught to be a nice kid. I’ve been taught to act as polite as possible, whenever, wherever. And it kinda grows on me. I was a nice kid (I think), nice boy, nice guy. I tried to act as nice as I could however mad I am at anyone. When I thought my friends were not acting really nice, I would not join them.

Then puberty hits.

The nice boy inside me was abused. I was in the same classroom as those bad boys at school. I tried to ignore them, but they just kept coming at me. Long story short, at that time, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I finally learned how to hate a lot of people.

And I like it.

As a child, I was taught how to behave well in many situations. As a teenager, I learned how to grow hatred. And they got mixed: I hate people who do not behave well.

As I grow older and meet new people, it’s kind of implanted in me that people’s definition of “behaving well” is a lot different from what I’ve learned in my childhood. Of course, I started to hate those people. And, you know, hatred is a two-sided blade. You grow hatred on people and they’ll start to hate you too.

With all those going on, I started to think that I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I think that nobody would like me aside from my family and that I’ll never get to have my own family. I realized that, A LOT, but I don’t wanna change. This is who I am. I’m not gonna force myself to abandon whatever I’ve been taught and whatever I’ve learned. If I’m gonna end up alone, let it be that way.

Until one day, I found you. I’ve told you I hate a lot of people, I’ve told you a lot of people hate me, but you just don’t give up. I’ve told you my problems on people, I’ve told you people’s problems on me, but you kept going. You didn’t turn your back on me. You even found my soft spot and you braced it. And it got me thinking, I don’t wanna lose you. I am never going to let you down. I don’t wanna let you go. Because baby, you are the one.

I Have A Huge Suicide Potential And This Is How You Treat Me?

Why don’t you just kill me and be done with it? You never let me do the thing I want anyway. I basically am dead and don’t have control over what I want to do because of you.

Because Screw You, That’s Why!

No, I do not want to do this. You already forced me to do something I don’t even give a fuck about. You already made me do the stuff I’m already unable to do. No, it’s impossible. You convinced me to finish what I started even if the end is not for you, but for me. I don’t even give a little smidgen of a damn about finishing this, but you talked me into it.

I’ve told you everything. I’ve told you the things I’ve been going through. I’ve told you how it hurts me a lot, doing this. I even told you once that even if I finish what you wanted me to finish, I will never enjoy the result. I will never be satisfied by the end.

You would think you know everything about me. Guess what? You don’t. You have always been telling me this and that and this again and that again. I accept that, as long as it is not about me. When you start telling me something about myself, that’s when I feel disgusted. You think you know a lot about me. No. You don’t know shit about me. Again, I am not who you think I am. No.

Ironically, I just learned about who I am recently. I just found out about what I love and hate, about what I’m with and against, recently. And I just think I know why. If you get to this point you should be able to decode the things I really want to say. Otherwise, read the title again.

この学科で勉強したくないよ!できないよ!思いやりしてなさい。

Five Tries

Yeah, right. “Don’t give up.” I am so done not giving up. What does not giving up give me in the end? This. Nothingness. Bullshit.

I made a choice based on little to none knowledge of what I’d get myself into, and I had to do it anyway. At first, yeah, life was good. I could do that normally, I mean, regularly, so-so, not really good but I managed to get out of the “crappy at this” zone.

And then I failed once, on one small thing. I thought to myself, “You can do it again. Just try to do your best.” Yeah right. I did try my best, again, this time. And what did it drag me into? Another bullshit. Another failure, that’s what.

And I did it again, thinking “Come on, only twice, you can still do it. Third time’s a charm, right? Cross your fingers.” Yeah right. It’s a goddamn charm I should have taken as a sign not to continue anymore. “Just give it up and do what you want the most.” I should have just done that, but guess what, I took tries number four and five.

And now I actually failed again, just like those previous tries. And now that I’m in a situation where I should give up or kicked out, they still tell me to not give up. They say I’ve done so much to get to this point, that giving up now only because of that one small thing would be a waste of time. Well guess what, that one small thing reflects my whole damn life up to this point! I don’t like this. I can’t do it. I want to, but I can’t. That part of my brain just doesn’t work as well as the other parts.

Ironically, I knew I should have given up a long time ago after a lot of times I keep going on.

Big Day Coming

Yeah, this is gonna be tough. I’ve been waiting for this moment to come. The moment where all truth gets out, where no more lies getting in the way. Some may say there are things better kept unsaid, others say truth must be told no matter how painful it is. This time, I’m gonna go with the latter.

I know it can be painful. No, it HAS TO be painful. But this is my decision. My life. My private things. My personal well-being. There’s no way any pain would hurt me this time. I’ve been keeping a secret for way too long, and you know what, the pain I’m gonna get with this truth explosion cannot even compare to the pain I’ve had hiding it. No way. The days behind me are way too painful compared to this one I’m expecting.

So shut up, let me do whatever the hell I want. Nothing’s gonna get in my way this time. Nothing at all.

This is my final moment.

This is my big day.

And it’s coming right at me.

Another Forum Post I Don’t Want To Lose Over Other Posts

Read the title and just suck it. The forum thread is about who looks the best in videos. Of course it’s Scandal again.

This is how I made it:

I don’t know, is this just about PV/MVs or other videos like backstage activities and tour backgrounds too? Each of them has different aura when showing off like in PVs or live videos and when recording for backstage videos.

In PVs and live videos it goes like this for me:
Haruna – Like everybody else says, she has this controlling, leading, managing aura around her. Of course, being the center of attention most of the time, this can happen to anyone in a band. She also has the most lines in songs which means more camera on her than on anybody else in the band, supposedly.

Mami – Being the lead guitar her the second to get more camera time. You know, like most other songs, there are more guitar solo than any other instruments. She has this calm, mysterious girl aura in live shows which makes it more eye-catching because the rest of the band have like happier, more active aura.

Rina – Of all bands and live shows I ever watched, she’s the drummer who has the most camera time, compared to other drummers and their videos. She shows that even a drummer can get so much attention when it comes to videos. And that’s a good thing.

Tomomi – She still looks good in videos, but I like her more when she’s in backstage activity videos. I don’t know, maybe she just doesn’t fit the video personality that I like, and she fits more in a candid-type videos because she’s so adorable, mischievous, and like happy all the time.

I can type even longer, but come to think of it, for backstage, candid-like videos I like them the other way round.
Tomomi – Already explained above. More importantly, though, she is one mischievous little lady.

Rina – A drummer who talks a lot, and not in a bad way.. Maybe this is why she has a lot of camera time despite being a drummer.

Mami – Tomomi’s partner in crime. Yeah, she has that calm, steady, mysterious aura when performing, but who knows in the backstage she’s the most yah-yah-yah Happy type, aside from Tomomi.

Haruna – She’s the oldest in the band, so she has this motherly aura in backstage. This makes her doesn’t stand out so much when the camera records for random backstage activities. She stands out more when she’s required to lead something.

I’ll be damned with a lot of “tl;dr”s after this. But anyway, that’s how I think they are in videos. Cool

If I Were Them

So I saw a thread in a Scandal forum, you know, that all-girl Japanese band I love. It’s about an ideal Scandal concert set list. So I’ve been thinking, if I can arrange their set list for a live performance, what songs would I put?

Here it is, as I posted on that forum. I decided to put it here in case my post there get lost, swallowed by other posts.

1. Scandal no Theme – This and Scandal Baby should be at both ends of the concert.
2. Shunkan Sentimental – Just sounds somewhat better right after “intro” songs.
3. Space Ranger – Every live’s must-do, for old times’ sake.
4. BEAUTeen! – You know you want this too…

-MC-

5. Koshi-Tantan – With rearranged intro, right after MC this song’s fun.
6. Pride – Another live’s must-do.
7. Love Survive – Raise the euphoria even further.
8. Rock ‘N Roll – Just read the song title again.
9. Taiyou Scandalous – Na na na nanana na na~

-MC-

10. Harukaze – As a beginning of song chain, this sounds very nice.
11. Queens Are Trumps – Guitar-driven stuff.
12. Kagerou – Another guitar-driven stuff that I like.
13. Hi! Hi! Hi! – Okay, 3 of them is enough. Also, that bass tap.
14. Either Rina Drum Corner + Scandal Nanka Buttobase dance, or each of them performing solo with their instruments. – Just another variety of a live performance.
15. Happy Collector – “Yay-yay” song to change the atmosphere a bit
16. Hello! Hello! – I like this song so much that I don’t want it to be played early in lives.

-MC-

17. Koe
18. Kill the Virgin
19. Koi no Hajimari wa Diet – See what I did there? Clue: No Haruna in the last 3 songs.

Encore:
20. Shining Sun – Upbeat song just for the sake of it.
21. Satisfaction – I don’t know. I just like this one.
22. Sayonara My Friend – At least one ballad and it’s close to the end.
23. Scandal Baby – Same reason as no. 1

There are a lot more songs I wanna see them play at lives, but 23 songs can normally take around 2-3 hours in a concert. So I made it more realistic.

Maybe someday they will perform live with set list similar to this. I’d really love to watch my most favorite songs played in one live show.

You know…

You know, it’s easier to think about a cute girl when you don’t do anything the first time you meet her. It just happened to me. Fortunately, I am honest enough to tell you I have a set of skills to find out who people are with the slightest information. No, it’s not like what you see in movies. It’s more like being very patient and having a huge circle of relationships. Also, you need to be able to remember any kind of information you hear, even if you don’t think you heard it. It sounds harder than it looks. Trust me.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. Most of you will think I am some kind of stalker or anything. Judge all you want, but I assure you I never do what most people describe as “stalking”. All I do is to find out enough information about someone who will most likely stay in my unconscious thoughts. I am the type who will easily talk to people I don’t know if I think they’re nice enough. I’m also the type who can’t ask about any personal information, including names, to other people. So it’s like either they introduce themselves to me, or I find out who they are without asking.

Why all of a sudden I talk about this, you ask? Well it’s about a few days ago, more like on Wednesday of the week I’m writing this. It was a concert of a band I like the most, if not second. I met this girl, cute enough to get inside my head until now. She was standing behind me on the concert. She was asking to stand between me and my friend mid concert, but it’s just not a perfect place to stand because there’s a step along my standing place. It was a small step, but it was disturbing enough if you’re gonna stand on the tip of your feet for 2 hours because of it. So I kind of ignored it. Plus, she also wanted to take a picture of the band when it’s stated forbidden to record anything of it. So I kind of hoped my shoulder could be enough cover for her to sneak her cellphone camera to take a picture or two. Of course I sometimes moved my head away so I don’t block her view of the stage. For sixteen songs she stood behind me and my friend between our shoulders, and at the break before the encore, we finally agreed to step aside to let her watch clearer. Two songs played after that and the main event is done.

Of course, when a concert is done, not all people want to go out immediately because they think the main door will be so crowded and all. My friend and I too, stayed a few minutes until the crowd loosen up a bit. I saw her waiting too, right in front of me, trying to talk to her friends, but maybe because of the euphoria, was still quite stunned at the performance like I was. A few seconds that happened, and all I could think were two things: that was a cool performance from the band, and how the hell do I introduce myself to her. But, in the end I didn’t do anything about introduction to her. My justification? I’m still in Facebook’s “in a relationship” status and I don’t want to start a new relationship with a girl based on lies about it. Again, it’s just a justification. All I think to myself is that I’m too dumb to not introduce myself to her.

And the next day, when I have full access of the internet. I used my skills and finally found who she is, who her friends are, and things like that. Of course, because I didn’t introduce myself to her, I can’t contact her, as for all she knows, I don’t know her. So it’s just another cute girl I can’t reach.

Now you know a bit more about me and my life.